Shame and Blame-Is this productive and/or effective?
Shame and Blame-Is this productive and/or effective?
Why do you think we shame and then blame others, or ourselves, for the challenges we face or mishaps in our lives?
Shame says we are not good enough and that we don’t measure up.
It is an extremely painful feeling and can turn into a belief that we are inadequate, flawed, and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It's an emotion that affects all of us and informs the way we interact in the world.
I’ve been thinking a lot about shame this week and how it’s undercurrent grows like weeds. When it breaks through the surface, it's like a poison that affects and destroys everything in its path. While shame comes from our own thoughts, it can be triggered by others when we're blamed for something.
This shame/blame “game” we play with ourselves and others is really about protecting ourselves in order to make sure that we don’t ever have to feel worthless. The game is often played like this: If you are to blame or if I can shame you, then you can’t blame me and I won’t have to feel the shame. Most of us are unaware that we are playing it, or even notice it in our everyday interactions with our children, our spouses, our families, our co-workers and our friends. But it is always there, lurking around in our thoughts, showing up in our body language, tone of voice and the choice of words we use when interacting with others. Regrettably this game is so frequently used, we don’t really notice it much until it gets out-of-hand. Shame and blame do not solve any problems. In fact, it usually makes the problems worse, to the point that the practice may harm yourself and/or others.
Shame shows up as judgment, and shaming is a way to control other people. We can use their deeply ingrained need for connection and acceptance and use it against them, threatening them with disconnection as a consequence. When we shame other people it makes us feel superior. It’s because we ourselves are insecure and we skirt our own inadequacies. In essence, we use them as a scapegoat in order to bypass our own underlined limitations.
Recently I was dancing on the foot tails of being shamed and blamed and I walked away feeling drained, bewildered and down right sad. This interaction had me really reflect on where and when I may have danced in the hurricane of shame and blame. What could I do to build more awareness in dismantling this destructive game?
Nevertheless judging, shaming and blaming is not likely to make you change. In fact, you are more than likely to become quite defensive. Seems like a natural response, yes? In a case like that, we’ve managed to dance around shame and blame and, as a result, gotten precisely nowhere. Shame and blame is a game where everyone loses.
How do we transform these toxic games? Here are some ideas that may help:
1) Acceptance and understanding are counter-objectives to shame and blame. I don’t have to agree with everyone and that’s part of life. I do get to decide how I wish to be treated and I can speak up in a kind manner creating healthy positive boundaries.
2) Recognize when you are feeling blame or shame. Bring awareness to the situation, and pausing to feel the emotions.
3) Take responsibility for your feelings. You are the one having these feelings no one else is responsible for your inner dialog.
4) Take positive, kind and empowered actions. Make a new choice.